Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
You Might Also Like
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her: