Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
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God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude