[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.