For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that