If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
girls literally only want one thing..
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol