Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
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When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
There are no pants in heaven.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.