Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
You Might Also Like
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.