My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.