I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
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cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
at ease…shoulder.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit