I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Cardio Made Easy
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.