All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
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Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
multitasking lunch
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.