Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
You Might Also Like
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
The Onion called it…again.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.