Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
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her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.