There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
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Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
🤣
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.