People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.