Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5