[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Yes, this is exactly right
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”