Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
You Might Also Like
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Meow?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
How I’d get arrested…
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me