BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
*checks Timeline*…
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Print is alive and well!!!
I’m sorry…what?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.