Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon