Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
You Might Also Like
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Who called it baking and not making love
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing