I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
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ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra