[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
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Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end