Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Flowers bee like
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”