The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
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PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant