[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.