[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
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i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
selfie game
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.