PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.