Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
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You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight