[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
channeling her this year
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.