Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
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Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk