Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”