i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
water it, i dare you
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.