I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
That time Alicia messaged me
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.