It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?