Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
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It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
incredible text to wake up to
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I know
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME