The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
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I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.