People who hate candy corn love telling you.
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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
This guy gets it.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!