“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad