4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.