Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I told my vodka about you.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up