I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
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Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Have a lovely day 😊
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.