I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Coffee for people with no kids
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?