Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Aaaa…CHOO!
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
In a parallel universe nobody can park.