Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
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My astrological sign is KFC gravy
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
This is a bad sign
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.