What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*jazz hands*
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.