Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
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“you recording!?”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*