“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you