cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
You Might Also Like
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.