my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
You Might Also Like
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.